Have you ever...

...heard this song. I love it. The music is awesome - a bit of an 80's sound - but the lyrics are amazing. Such the song of my heart. To be face to face with Jesus. Unashamed. Innocent. Beautiful. If you have 3 minutes, listen to the song [the YouTube video is just the song]. If not just read the lyrics. So beautiful.

When the first light brighten the dark
Before the breaking of the human heart
There was You and there was me
Innocence was all I knew
'Cause all I had to know was You
We were running underneath the trees

I wanna see you face to face
Would be in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

I remember how'd You call my name
And I would meet You at the garden gate
How the glory of Your love would shine
And I remember when the stars were young
you breath into my lungs
Oh I never felt so alive

I wanna see you face to face
Would be in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

To be naked and unashamed
In a sweet down pour of innocent rain
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

Where my eyes can see the colors of glory
My hands can reach the heaven before me
Oh, my God I wanna be there with You
Where our hearts will beat with joy together
And love will reign forever and ever
Oh my God I wanna be there with You

I wanna see you face to face
Would be in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

To be naked and unashamed
In a sweet down pour of innocent rain
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

Thankful Thursday

I've spent the past 6 days being reminded over and over again of all the things I have to be thankful for. And I've written about them...a lot. So instead of saying - again - how thankful I am for friends and family I feel like being a bit on the sarcastic side.

For example:

I'm thankful that I can't actually rip my eyeballs out of my head even though they itch like poison ivy on top of chicken-pox thanks to the massive amount of pollen and dust in the air.

I'm thankful that my nose won't actually fall of thanks to the excessive blowing and wiping I've been doing this week because of crying and allergies.

I'm thankful I can still see despite the puffy allergy/crying eyes.

I'm thankful that our house is somehow anchored down to the ground. With the amount of wind we've had the last few days, I keep expecting to wake up, walk out my door, and realize that we're not in Kansas (or Durango) anymore.

I'm thankful that I haven't weighed myself in a week. I'm pretty sure I won't be happy to see what all the delicious food friends are sending us is doing to me :)

I'm thankful that my children have no choice in picking who their mother is. They get me - the whole crazy bit of me - no matter what. And while most of the time I'm sure they're happy it's me, I'm sure there were some moments this past week when they wondered who is this woman who looks like my mom?

And I'm thankful that there are still people who read my crazy blog with all my crazy thoughts. You all are so kind to me :)

I wanted to give you a quick update on life here at the Palmer home.

I've said this to many people in the last few days, if you had asked me on Friday if I would feel like this on Wednesday I would've said not a chance. Which is why I have been blown away, time and time again, by God's grace, mercy and comfort. I'm not claiming I'm just fine - no big deal - I'm over it...No way. But I can say with full confidence that my prayers and the prayers of many of my family and friends have been answered. God has given me a peace and a comfort that I can not explain or understand.

Now my children have definitely helped in that area. They very much remind me that life is still going on, things still need to be done and taken care of, and they need love and attention. That has absolutely affected this process.

Our family of choice here in Durango have been hugely supportive and caring. We've had meals, phone calls, text messages, emails, cards etc...We have felt His great love through all these people. And then on top of that we've had friends from out of town doing many of the same things. Showing support through prayer and messages. And on top of that, the prayers and support from our families. All of it has been so comforting. If nothing else, we have experienced the love of God through countless people in our lives. Truly a blessing to both Mark and I. We are so thankful.

I've also had time to talk through some emotions with friends who have walked this before. And that has helped me have some understanding. God is using so many people to help us through this time.

I know that people will deal with grief differently. I am going to try and not figure out the best way for me to do it. For now I will cry when I want to and be okay when I am okay and not question it either way. And as you can see, I process things by typing them out. So many thoughts get jumbled up in my head and writing them down helps me sort through them. It's really been healing for me. I know some people are very private and things like this may make them uncomfortable. I apologize if this is doing that to you. I guess I figure you all knew I was pregnant and how excited I was about that. I might as well share the loss of that baby as well as the emotions that follow that. Thank you for the freedom to do just that.

Our children are doing just fine. They were sad but have bounced back. Ready to continue on with life as usual :) And they talk very matter of fact about it so there's no stepping around the conversation with them. Kale will "whisper" in my ear when I'm talking with someone and ask me if I've told them that the baby died. I will say yes and continue on with the conversation. It is what it is.

So there's the update on life here. I have more things to share but am out of time. I have to get ready to head to the Dr for a blood test to determine if my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing and if I'm healing physically like I should be.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. They have been answered - praise God!

A new day

Today is a new day. The physical pain is subsiding and the emotional pain is too although not quite as quickly. I'm still working through many things and having to do many things. Things like putting away the maternity clothes I was transitioning into and calling Drs and insurance to let them know we don't need them anymore. The thought of putting away my clothes brought me to tears last night. I imagine little things will do that for a while. At this point I can't watch the video of the kids finding out I was pregnant. As funny and beautiful as it was it also is painful for me right now. I hope to be able to watch it again in a few months. It really was so adorable.

We have been overwhelmed and blessed by the support we've received. I remember when we were first pregnant with Kale we decided to tell people fairly early. Early compared to some. Some people don't announce a pregnancy till they're almost done with their first trimester in case something like this happens. I can understand that. This has definitely been hard. But when we decided to announce about Kale and the rest, we thought we'd rather people know and then be able to walk through a miscarriage with us rather than do it alone if that were the case. And today it is the case and I do not regret telling people. Although it's been a hard couple days, we've been blessed by prayers, texts, phone calls, emails, meals etc...from people who love us, support us and are walking through this with us. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated it. Just knowing and feeling that people care feels like God's arms wrapped around us. And I, for one, need that right now.

I didn't go to church. I wanted to and I didn't want to. I wanted to go and worship but I didn't think I was quite ready to talk to people, not to mention there's still a very real physical side of this that I'd rather deal with at home. I've been doing better talking without crying but I'm sure once I get wrapped in people's love for us there will be tears. There will probably be tears next week but for now I want to cry in private and try and work through some of the first emotions. Our wonderful friends, the Blegers, came and picked up the kids for me. Mark left early for church so they came so the kids could still go and have me stay. Truly a blessing. The kids were excited to be able to go to church, especially with their good friends.

I'm restless. I cleaned out the fridge knowing that our amazing small group will be filling it up shortly :) I've done laundry, cleaned the kitchen, read blogs, and showered (a long, nice, relaxing, interruption-free shower!). I'll have to sit now. Can't overdo it. It's been hard to just sit and wait for this to end. Small steps I suppose.

I am definitely learning yet another lesson in trust. Trust in Him and His plans. I know that I don't have to understand everything. I think turning all my burdens over to Him means (to me) that I have to not try and figure everything out. I can't try and answer the questions. I can't try and make plans for the future. I can't try and figure out what I need to learn from this. I can't try and make sense of it. I can't worry and I can't dwell on what could've been.

I can grieve. I know I can. And that's the process I'm going through. I just also need to rest and trust in Him. He knew this was going to happen. He allowed it to happen. I don't know why. But He is still, and always will be, so very good to me and my family. I'm thankful that I know God and He will give me rest and peace and comfort. My heart will eventually follow my actions as I go through this. I have no doubt about that.

I promise that my posts will get more upbeat :) Thank you for your patience and understanding as I "talk" this out on the computer.

I forgot, yesterday, to post the pictures I took with my phone at DQ. I really do love my family and am so thankful for each of them.

My comfort treat. A caramel brownie blizzard. De-lish!

He gives and He takes away

And my heart will choose to say "Lord blessed be Your Name".

Friends I'm writing one of the hardest blogs to date. One I wasn't sure when I was going to write. I knew I would write it but I didn't know how soon. But it is 2:30am and I am up and have the need to write this down. So here it goes.

Thursday evening, while Mark was at worship practice, I was getting Jack ready for bed when I felt something that wasn't right. I went into the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding. My first reaction was panic but then I began to calm myself down and remind myself that I bled some when I was pregnant with Kale and everything turned out fine. That helped for a while. But I was still scared and so I went to my room to change and to pray. Of course the kids followed. I asked them to leave me alone. Just for a few minutes. Mom was praying. They didn't know what to do actually. I'd never asked to be alone to pray. Usually I'll pray with them. But I really didn't know how to deal with this and them at the same time. It was a challenge.

I finally got them to bed and went to bed myself. I needed to sleep and have some peace and pray about quatro. So I did, hoping that the news would be different in the morning.

Friday morning I woke up and Mark was gone. He'd had an early morning meeting on Friday so I really hadn't seen him since this started. I was half asleep when he came home the night before. I went about my morning routine with the kids but each trip to the bathroom brought more tears as the bleeding hadn't stopped and it was much different than with Kale. My first OB appointment had been scheduled weeks ago and it was for that day at 10:30am. I was so relieved to know that I'd be able to see a Dr and find out for sure what was going on. Truthfully I was dreading it and at the same time counting down the minutes to some answers.

The kids kept asking me why I was crying. I told them that I wasn't sure if the baby was okay. I told them that the baby was sick and I was going to the Dr to find out how sick.

Mark got home around 9 and I told him it wasn't good. At all. He still had hope. Mine was dwindling fast. I left for the appointment by myself. Mark was going to stay with the kids. I prayed the whole way there for a miracle although I just had this feeling that it wasn't going to be good news. Then I started thinking about telling my kids and I cried. This was going to be harder than I ever imagined.

When they took me back for my appointment they went through the whole routine - weighing, peeing in a cup (although I couldn't since I'd been to the bathroom a dozen times already that morning), many questions about my previous 3 live births (that's how they refer to them), guidelines for being pregnant (what you can and can't do and what you can and can't eat) and stuff like that. The sweet nurse asked how I was feeling and I burst into tears. I thought I could do it but I was so dang emotional. I told her I'd been bleeding and I wasn't sure if this meant I was still pregnant or not. She was sweet and tried to reassure me that they would find out everything they could.

Then I met with the midwife. A very nice woman who delivered Kate. She reassured me that it can be normal to bleed but she would still check everything. She did the dopplar and she couldn't find a heartbeat. I laid there praying for the sound. Nothing but my own heartbeat. Then she went and got a portable ultrasound machine and said she wasn't very good at it but she'd try. She found nothing but sent me to a professional ultrasound tech to make sure.

So I walked to the main part of the hospital and was taken back to a room. I knew that this was it. This was where my life would change. The lady was very nice and caring. I'm sure she does several of these types of ultrasounds a week or a month. I warned her that I would be crying no matter what she told me. She said she understood and that she might even be crying along with me.

She didn't. She found the baby. I saw them on the screen. There was no movement. No frantic swimming around. Just an eerie stillness. She asked me for the date of my last period. When I told her she said so you would be around 10 or 11 weeks then? Well the embryo measures about 7 weeks. It happened a while ago. Tears were streaming down my face as she spoke. My worst fear was coming true. She asked me if I still felt pregnant and for the first time I realized that I didn't. I had been so tired still but hadn't felt nauseous. I guess I'd been happy at the time that it had gone away early. Now I wasn't happy at all.

She left me alone to cry and deal with this and make phone calls if needed. I stayed for a few minutes but knew there wasn't much I could do. I was a mess. My face does not hide tears at all. I was red and my face swollen and red splotches on my chest. It was the ugly cry.

I walked back to the midwives office to check in. The office manager knew from my face that it wasn't good news. She came out from behind the desk and gave me a hug. When I met with the midwife again she explained what would happen to me next. A lot of bleeding and cramping as my body would expel the baby.

I don't know how I drove home trying to see through the tears. Expel the baby?! There's more than just the emotional pain of losing the baby, there's very real physical pain. I was dreading the weekend. We had had fun things planned for the whole weekend. It was going to be busy. And now it wasn't. Now it's going to be spent waiting. Waiting for the end of the pregnancy to really hit.

I came home and thankfully Mark had already told the kids (I had called him from the car). He said they had all cried. Kale and Kate hugged me and said they were sorry the baby died. Me too I said.

After lunch they asked if I was going to be sad for a long time. I told them I was going to be really sad for a few days but then I'd be okay. I'm sure I'll be sad for a long time but I know that I won't be this weepy forever. They just needed to know that I'll be okay. Kale said that I needed to ask God for another baby. He was sure God would give us another one. I told him we'd see.

I napped for a bit in the afternoon. My head was pounding from crying. Mark and I decided to go to Dairy Queen for a treat that night. We had promised the kids DQ a while back so we thought that last night would be a good time to deliver. We had a good time forgetting for a moment. Although my eyes were still swollen and my nose red. I wanted to let the kids know that I'm going to be alright.

So we came home, put the kids down, and Mark and I processed a bit. I shared with him some of my feelings and he shared his. I think one of the things I'm so confused about is how I am going to go forward from here. We weren't sure 3 months ago about having 4 kids. Then when we were, we were thrilled beyond anything to have 4. We made plans for 4, dreamed of 4, thought of names....And now it's 3 again. Not where I wanted to be. I mean of course I'm happy with my 3. I love them. I had just pictured 4. What do I do now? Do we have 4? Do we stay with our wonderful 3? My heart breaks with confusion as well as the sadness.

Then there's the physical pain and all that brings with it. Which is why I'm up in the middle of the night when I'd much rather be sleeping. I woke up with major cramping. This is what I was dreading the most. Knowing that my body was going to be getting rid of the baby I so desperately loved. I know this is why it is such a different grieving process for me versus Mark. Not only do we already deal with this differently but then I have the very physical reminder of our loss. How long will it last? It depends. It could be just a couple days. I pray that's all.

So I tried to sleep through the pain but couldn't. I gave up and got up went to the bathroom and was reminded again that this is very real. And it's a very painful process. Quatro isn't here anymore. And I miss him or her.

It may seem strange to miss this "embryo" this "fetus" but that's not what it was to me. It was my baby. My 4th baby. A life. And there's still grief. I imagine it's a different kind of grief but it's still grief just the same. I'm not mad. At least I don't think I am. Just confused. I wonder why I had a dream that I was going to have this fourth child. I wonder why I got pregnant only to lose them. But then I realize that the answers to the why don't really matter. They're still gone. It still hurts. And I still love and trust God. He's still the same as He was yesterday when I thought I was going to have a baby. He hasn't changed. And He is holding my baby in heaven. And I will be okay.

Thank you for letting me share my hurt and my pain. This has been therapy for me. I know many woman who have walked this road before. I know I am definitely not alone in this. And that brings comfort. I know I didn't do anything wrong although thoughts still invade. Things like did you eat or drink something you shouldn't have...did you lift too much weight...did you not get enough rest...etc...But then I remind myself that God is bigger. And this was meant to be. He knows the answers and I trust Him. It's not my fault.

So I will wait for the end of the physical pain and trust for healing from the emotional. I know it will come. And I will be okay.

Mark's 37-1 birthday

We were in Denver for Mark's 37-1 birthday (36 for those of you who can't count). Actually we were in Denver for my aunt's funeral which happened to fall on Mark's 36th birthday. The funeral was in the morning so I asked if we could have a little celebration later that night. Mark is really good about not being upset if the whole day isn't about him. I know people who don't work on their birthdays. Not us. We understand that life can't stop on our birthdays. We've been up at camp on mine and busy on Mark's. We do try to do something special on that day but if it doesn't work out we will do it another day. And we're good with that. It's still special.

Anyway, Mark knew that his bday was going to be a lot different and he was so sweet about it. In fact he said we didn't need to have a dinner but I figured we all needed to think about something else even for a short time. And I'm glad we did. It was a fun and silly celebration and I think Mark felt loved and appreciated in the middle of the chaos.

Here's my aunt Donna feeding some pizza to Jack the night before. I thought it was a sweet picture and I wanted to include it.

Here's Mark's birthday cake. Let me explain the ugliness. :) We got him an Angel Food cake for strawberry shortcake. So my sisters and I covered the cake in whipped cream. Not a very stable frosting. At all. In fact it falls off in case you didn't know. Plus we had to use candles that my mom and dad had in their cupboard. They didn't have 36 candles or the number 36 but they had 37. Go figure. So we did 37-1 and we added some cheesy balloons. It was either balloons or a gravestone and we were pretty sure we didn't want that.

We found some colored gel stuff too and wrote out his name. So do you think we can go on Food Network extreme cake challenge?

And here's my hot husband sweetly laughing at our creation. We all knew it was ugly but it was the thought that counted. That and the fact that it was delicious. That helped too.

While we were up there we were able to see our friends, the Randols, who just moved there. It was nice to celebrate with a few friends too. Here's a pic of Felicity and Kaitlyn. Kelly and I are in the back scooping up the dessert and that's my sister Meghan talking to the girls.

Here are/is (not sure the correct grammer) Katie (sis from NY who flew out - so happy to see her!), Ryan Randol, my bro-in-law Micah, and Sommer Randol is hiding behind her youngest who is Jack's age, Sean.

Kale was super excited about the strawberry shortcake.

Here's by brother, my dad, and my brother's girlfriend, Sarah, who was Jack's best friend. She kept feeding him whipped cream. He was in love! My mom was here somewhere but she apparently did a great job avoiding the camera. Also Mark's parents had stayed for dinner (they watched the kids while we were at the funeral) but left before the yummy dessert so no pics of them either.

Here's Jack devouring the angel food cake.

And these are their full faces. Love them!

Happy birthday Mark. Thanks for being so kind and patient. It's an understatement to say that I am more than thrilled that you were born. :) Love you! (even though you won't probably read this...)

Farm field trip

When I was in college at Fort Lewis I remember around spring time the courtyard area would get overrun with farm animals and small school children. It was something the Westerners club put on each year for Kindergartners and 1st graders. The kids are able to walk around to different "booths" (really stations) where they got to learn things about farming and ranching.

Well this year my friend Kim told me about it going on and said it would be a great homeschool field trip. I agreed. Thankfully she also agreed to go along with us and bring her kids. Her kids are much older and probably weren't all that interested in going to see cows and pigs and sheep, but they were wonderful kid wranglers and there was no way I could've done that adventure by myself. I was so glad they were there! I also loved going with Kim. She's a natural teacher and looked like she really enjoyed going around the place and being very hands on with my kids. It was such a blessing to have her there. I learned a lot about teaching and getting the kids engaged in the activities we were doing. Thank you Kim for the whole day! It was a blast!

Afterwards we went to Pizza Hut. We all love pizza and were craving Pizza Hut. And it was delicious! Terrible service as usual but that was ok since we got the buffet and could help ourselves :)

Here's the crew. Kate, Kim, Kale, Ashley, Jack and Jack's favorite person that day, Chris.

I thought this was so funny. Both of them making the same face. Wanna know what they were watching?

This. Yup. A sheep getting a very close haircut. Quite interesting but it did get boring after the poor man had to change his dull blades every couple minutes.

Next onto the pig display. They were actually really cute.

Jack oinked at them.

We went to a display where they learned all about wheat and flour. The nice man showed them how wheat grew and then how to grind it into flour. I'd never seen it ground before and I thought it was cool. Kale actually cheered when the man opened the grinder and pulled out flour. He thought it was amazing.

Then he got to grind his own wheat the old fashioned way.

Here's Ashley giving it a turn.

Next we saw rabbits, llamas and cows. Kale was totally disgusted by the smell of the cow. He even freaked out a little bit. He's got such a sensitive smeller!

My cute little cowgirl.

While we were up there I discovered Jack's ability to make animal sounds. He was crackin' me up! I hope I can get a video of him moo-ing and baa-ing. It's so sweet! And of course he mooed and baaed to all the animals as well as oinked. I think even Jack learned something that day!

3 in 2

3 posts in 2 weeks. That's got to be some kind of lazy record for me. Not sure if I should celebrate or not...

Anyway, now begins the catching up before I get some phone calls from my biggest fans (my sisters) wondering what the heck is happening here. I love them :) Really I'm thrilled that they read this and love it. Makes me feel good.

Two weeks ago Tuesday I was at work when I got a phone call from my sister, Kelly. She had called to tell me that my uncle had come home from work to find that my aunt had taken her life. It's hard to put it that way but it's the truth. I'm not going into any detail about any of it. I don't think it's everyone's business, especially with something this difficult, but I wanted you to know what has happened that has kept me from sitting here and sharing much. It's not because I didn't want anyone to know, it's more of me processing things, getting ready for a super-fast trip to Denver for the funeral, and catching up on everything else that goes along with leaving work, packing, and coming home from this whirl-wind trip.

It's been emotionally challenging for sure. There are the normal why questions as well as shock and extreme sadness. Sadness for my aunt. And much sadness for my uncle and cousins. It's been a difficult road and it will continue to be as we come to Mother's Day, holidays, birthdays etc... I pray, and continue to pray, for peace and comfort for my family. My day to day normal hasn't changed much. Theirs has. And that's got to be the biggest challenge. Life without her. Their new normal. Such a struggle.

Today I was trying to organize some of our paperwork and I came across a couple letters from my aunt. We weren't really close but I grew up with her. I was in their wedding, I babysat their kids, stayed weekends at their house, spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthdays together. She was very much part of my life. And I was sad, once again, as I read a letter from her congratulating me on the birth of Jack. I had forgotten about that card but found it deep in the middle of bills. I couldn't throw it away. It's a precious reminder of her and her love for me and my family even in the midst of all her struggles. She has battled breast cancer as well as a form of Leukemia. She had surgeries including 2 bone marrow transplants. The last one was in October and was considered successful. I can only imagine the road she has had to walk emotionally and physically. No one knows what was in her heart and mind. Only God. And I just continue to pray....

So we planned for a trip to Denver for the following week. The funeral was on Tuesday, the 13th - Mark's birthday. Because we left town I worked more than usual in an effort to catch up and get ahead. Since I'm working for a CPA and tax day was last week we were busy :)

I have pictures from our adventures of the last week but those will come later. But I didn't want to post this without at least 2 pictures of Jack. Only because these pictures spell nothing but trouble I think :) A bat. In the house. In Jack's hands. T.R.O.U.B.L.E. Of course I took pictures before I pried them out of his hands.....

Thankful Thursday

So much has happened since I last blogged over a week ago. I promise to fill you in. I have lots of thoughts to share. But for today I am just thankful.

I'm THANKFUL that my house is messy. It means I have people living in it.

I'm THANKFUL for lots of noise. It means I have children here to make it.

I'm THANKFUL for not having a lot of money. It means I have a house, cars, and food to spend it on.

I'm THANKFUL for pink arms. It means I was outside today in the sunshine!

I'm THANKFUL for family, friends, car rides, parks, field trips, and such. It means I have life!

My ten cents

Since I never can seem to share just 2 cents I figured I'd title this more appropriately :)

Something has to be said. At least by me. I figure if it's been running around in my head for a while then it's probably worth mentioning. So bear with me - or go read another blog. Either way is fine. But maybe this'll be worth a few minutes of your time.

Kids. Kids have been on my mind lately. Specifically the number of kids people have. Then I go and read an article about the Duggar family. If you don't know who this family is I'll briefly tell you they are a family in AR. who have 19 children. They have a show on TLC. Anyway, their 19th child was born very premature (25 weeks) and has been in a hospital since December. They were able to take her home today. Very special day. And it was a nice article. Then I made the mistake of reading some of the comments people leave on those things. Sure enough there was a debate going on about how many children this family should have. And how the mom should have her tubes tied. And on and on.

Seriously? Why in the world is it any of their business how many children this family has or doesn't have for that matter? Who are any of us to decide how many children each family should have? I understand that there are many differing points on birth control and I'm not hear to debate that. I'm just saying that the Bible says "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full [of children]" Ps 127. No where does it say what size that quiver is. It doesn't say ....of 2 children...of 20 children etc... It just says blessed is the full one. Wow! You mean we can have as many or as few children and we and God decide? What a concept!

Of course I've been thinking about this a lot more since the news of our newest blessing quatro. I'm absolutely thrilled they are coming even though 3 months ago I hadn't seen myself as the mom of 4. But this feels right. I know it's right. My quiver will be full -- for me. Do I see myself as the mom of 20? or 15? or 10? No I really don't. But I do see a happy, blessed mom of 4. And I know that I would be devastated if someone came up to me - or behind my back for that matter - and said that I shouldn't be having this many children [or that I should be having more]. That my tubes should be tied. That I can't handle the ones I already have. The sad thing is that people actually do that (not to me but to other moms).

Would someone actually leave our church because of how many children any of the staff have? I certainly think that's crazy but I'm sure it's likely. Why? Because everyone has an opinion about how many kids a family should have, how they should behave and be raised, and so on and so forth. Our staff has a family with 10 kids, one with 12, two with 3, one with none, and us with 4. It's a crazy staff picture and all the kids aren't even in it! But I know every kid is deeply loved and well cared for. Is that OK? Heck yeah! Is it for everyone? Heck no and that's fine. Their quivers are different sizes!

So what do you say we just leave each other alone. Some people are meant to have lots of kids, others not so much and even others none. Yes unfortunately there are many, many children who are born into horrible situations. Kids are abused or abandoned. And that breaks my heart. But even then we can't tell those families how many children they should have. Instead lets be proactive and help them. Educate them, love them, support them, adopt them, care for them. Whatever it takes. Every child born into this world is loved by a mighty, loving God. Show them that. Don't judge...love.

And know that my children are not perfect and neither are yours. So let's support each other and keep our opinions about how many children someone should have to ourselves. By the way, no one has really harassed me about the number of kids we have. We have been asked if we know how to use birth control but that's it really. So I'm not sharing this out of some defensive place. People have been wonderfully and genuinely excited for us and I'm so thankful for that. I'm sharing this because I've heard and read opinions and I confess have even had some of my own ugly ones, but I was challenged, convicted and I am a new woman! :)

Was that 10 cents or 20?

Easter Weekend

Easter weekend....Wow, fast and busy! Friday night Mark led our church in an amazingly awesome celebration of our life in Christ on that Good Friday. It was wonderful and very needed.

Saturday we had a lazy day. Hung out, danced (hence the video), and played together as a family.

Easter Sunday, Resurrection Sunday, was spent at church and it was great. Then after church we got a sweet invitation to go to the Kline's house for the afternoon and we had a blast. I'm always thinking that I need to find people without families down here to celebrate holidays with and then I never plan far enough in advance. It's so frustrating for me, the planner!, to realize it's only 4 days till Easter and we have no one to celebrate with. We had asked the Kline's to come over but they were having her brother over. But on Sunday it worked out for us to join them and I'm so glad it did. We had such a fun time talking, laughing, playing games and being family with chosen family. And our good friend Jinny was there too. It was so nice.

We got home late and crashed hard. Today's been a bit difficult but we had a good day overall. And because I am a horrible Easter mother and did no planning I do not have 1 picture of my beautiful children! Grrr! Oh well. At least you can enjoy this video of the kids dancing to techno music. You can see how much Jack loves to dance!

Good - no, the Best - Friday

I could not let this week go by without mentioning the very reason for my faith. The very reason for my existence. The very reason for the hope eternal that I have. Jesus Christ's death and His glorious resurrection.

If you've been a follower of my blog I sure hope it's been obvious to you that I am a believer and follower of Christ. He has changed my life. Blessed my life. Enriched my life. Challenged my life. But more importantly given me eternal life.

I also hope that by reading my blog you have been challenged and hopefully drawn to Him. The One I worship. That's my hope. That you, my friend, would see what Jesus has done in my life and be curious to know more about Him. Why is He so great? Why do I follow Him?

If you have a few minutes watch this video. I had looked at other songs, one of my favorites being Love Song by Third Day, and saw some amazing videos that brought me to tears. Watching what Jesus did for me...because He loves me...because He created me....there are no words. But this song, by Chris Tomlin, talks about how Jesus overcame death. A miracle. A gift. For me and for you. I pray this Easter that you can reflect on what His love for us means to you. I pray that it moves you. That it changes you. That it draws you to Him. Have a blessed Easter!