Avoidance

Haha!  I accidentally published this and then had to go back to edit it.  Talk about avoidance!

I've felt myself avoiding blogging lately (okay for almost 2 months!).  That's the longest stretch I've ever gone not blogging.  So crazy.  I think it's because so much is going on that I'm not sure how to capture it all.  How to explain any of it.  How to convey feelings, emotions, opinions and facts all at the same time.

But I decided to put on my big girl undies and just jump in and see what happens.  There will be lots missing but I'm hoping to at least start back on the wagon cause truthfully I miss being on the wagon...I love reading blogs and seeing how other folks are doing. I know I have a few people who are wondering if I dropped off the planet.  :)

So.  First thing is an update on Kate.  We've been changing our diet over the past 2 months and it's going well.  We've started to hit a groove and have a better understanding of what we're doing (or I have a better understanding of how to cook!).  The kids are still convinced that we are fasting sugar - which is partially true - they just don't know that the sugar fast is gonna be indefinite with treats here and there.  I'll let them live in their happy place a little bit longer.  

Their tastes have seemed to change a bit.  We had grilled chicken salad the other night and they actually all liked and ate it and said yum.  Seriously a miracle!  We still have hits and misses in our discovering how to eat better but like I said, we're finding a groove.

Kate has been doing really, really well.  I have no doubt that the diet as well as the therapy have had an effect.  She will still have an occasional meltdown but the rages have been less and they are far between and shorter lasting.  Nothing like what we were experiencing 2 short months ago!  Praise God for all progress!

Part of our progress was with me as well.  I had been seeing several different doctors in August trying to figure out why I was so exhausted, irritable, hormonal, irregular, forgetful (not able to concentrate on anything for any amount of time) etc... After a few tests (to see if my vitamins were low or my hormones were off) my doctor determined that I was dealing with the physical effects of stress.  She asked if there was anything in my life that was stressful and in between my laughter I cried. :)  I shared with her my struggles with Kate and she was so sweet and listened and said that that was it.

I've been dealing with stress (not just Kate, although that was heightened stress) for a couple years (don't all moms of littles go through that though?) with work, relationships, children, job changes etc...I thought I was handling it fine.  Apparently I was wrong.  My buffer of happiness was depleted.  I could go from fine to not fine waaaaaay faster than before.  Before, I could handle a bit of chaos and not blink an eye - or maybe my eye would just twitch a little.  But in the past few months chaos was causing me to lose my mind, blink, twitch and roll my eyes, as well as send me into tears way faster than I ever had in the past.  I was just not handling my stress anymore.  My reservoir was depleted and I didn't know how to build it back up.

So my Dr talked to me about a mild anti-depressant.  She was concerned that I may be anti-medication (which I'm not...I understand the need occasionally for help from medication).  I decided to try it for a couple months to see if it would give me the extra boost I needed to refill my tank to better be able to handle the stress that is inevitable.  Wow that was a crazy sentence...

Anyway, I've been on a 1/2 dose of an anti-depressant for about 5 weeks now and I really think it's helping.  I feel more like myself again.  Like I can make decisions, deal with meltdowns, not feel like I'm in a fog during the day even though I go to bed early.  More normal (whatever that means). 

I'm hoping to go off of it in the next couple months.  My hope is that my tank will be refilled and I can continue to refill it on my own.  I really think it's made a huge difference in how I deal with Kate and even with the boys.  I'm thankful to have a Dr that didn't give up to find out what the deal was!

Alright, my time is up.  See?  I didn't even hardly get started!  Oh well.  One step at a time.  Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow.   

 

My Hope

This is the end of week one.  We have survived.  A little bruised and battered but we made it.

Overall we have had little tiny improvements.  Not enough for me, but really when looking back, at least it's progress.  And by improvement I mean maybe the fits last 10-20 minutes instead of an hour.  You may think that's huge and I would understand.  Unfortunately the amount of rages hasn't changed and not all rages have only lasted 10-20 minutes.  That's only happened since yesterday.  The rest of the week has been a roller coaster ride.  

It's included tears (from all of us), being late to church, me getting locked out of my house (thankfully I had already put my keys in the car which made Kate mad), fighting over seat belts, menu changes, and lots and lots of prayer.

Which I want to tell you is my hope.  Not the diet.  Not the therapist.  Jesus.  He really is the One I am clinging too.  And He has blessed me!  Blessed me with scripture, with prayer from others, kind friends and family calling or texting to check in, church members who are interceding for us, advice from good friends who care, offers of babysitting so I can get stuff done, flowers from staff members to just make me smile, help to accomplish stuff I just can't get my brain to focus on for any length of time, encouragement from so many...Jesus has shown me His love and care through so many people and I just sit back in awe and wonder.  

All these people have their own lives.  Their own issues.  Their own struggles.  And yet they care.  I am so thankful.  For all of it!  I don't deserve it.  Any of it.  But I know that it's what I need right now.  So I resist fighting it :) 

Friday is our next appointment with the therapist.  We are all looking forward to it and seeing more progress.  Kate even gave me a woohoo when I told her we were going again.  That's good!

I spent a ton of time this week at the grocery store (trying to fill our fridge with non-processed food), googling many foods I'd never heard of, planning menus of things I hoped the kids would at least try, hearing from them "how long are we doing this?" 235 times, having success with some recipes and epic failure with others (like whole wheat waffles that the kids all tried one bite and burst into tears and said they tasted like I put hand sanitizer in them and then promptly threw them in the trash...and went to bed hungry), making lots of make-ahead smoothies for breakfast to put their vitamins in that they can't/won't swallow.  I know it will get better but for now I'm a food preparing machine!  Boy do processed foods cut down on prep work....At least till I figure out how to prep a lot of stuff at once and then use my crockpot!  Baby steps here.  
 
This week we also started to attack the yeast overgrowth in our diet.  Last week we added good bacteria to our guts.  We will keep doing that while we attack the other.  Upon reading more about the symptoms of yeast overgrowth I was blown away by how many symptoms all of my kids (and Mark and I) have. 

Things like:

General Symptoms
Fatigue and a sense of being "ill" and "drained" are the dominant symptoms.  These are often accompanied by irritability, difficulty in concentration, slow mentation, in coordination, and vague feelings of being "spaced-out."  Excessive lethargy may lead to a sense of drowsiness.

Musculoskeletal Symptoms
Vague muscle aches, muscular weakness, pain with or without swelling in multiple joints, and tightness in chest wall.       

Gastrointestinal Symptoms
Abdominal cramps, bloating, excessive belching, abdominal distention, constipation with bouts of diarrhea, excessive mucus in stool and rectal itching.

Ear, Nose, and Eye Symptoms
Sore throat or scratchiness in throat, dry mouth, white coating on tongue and in other areas of mouth (thrush), bad breath, nasal itching, congestion and drip, recurrent sore throats, recurrent episodes of cough or bronchitis, recurrent infections or fluid in the ears, itchiness, burning or tears in eyes, and difficulty with hearing.

 We don't have all of these symptoms, nor do I think this one thing will solve everything, but it gives me hope that I'm on the right track.

So next week's update will also include 2 more sessions with the therapist as well as another week of diet changes.  Hopefully they'll get better and better!

  

 

Therapy

Today I am blogging for therapy.  And to keep a record.  And to possibly help someone else.  Maybe.

I don't have pictures.  I haven't gone and deleted old posts in order to create more space.  Sorry.  If you like pictures I'm okay with you checking out now.  Like I said, this is my therapy.

A quick update on our life first.  Mark is in school.  Very busy in school.  We are learning how to do life with school.  My brother got married last weekend in Denver.  Gorgeous wedding!  We went camping after my birthday.  Kids finished their school year and have 3 weeks off before we start again which gives me time to clean and reorganize and prepare for the next year of adventures!  I preached at church 2 Sundays ago.  Loved it.  Probably won't do it often.  I just don't have the time to prepare.  But it was a great experience.  Sorry for the short sentences.  That's kinda how my brain is functioning today :)

The reason I'm therapy blogging is because the last 4 weeks have been difficult.  I wrote a while ago about living with SPD (sensory processing disorder) and haven't said much since.  Truthfully it was because we'd just learned how to deal with the occasional outbursts.  Kate had figured out to cope or avoid many episodes.  We were smooth sailing so to speak.

--insert my emotional disclaimer --

I never want to embarrass my daughter or ever share that she is a problem. She is an amazing, beautiful child of God that I adore and treasure!  She is kind and compassionate.  Shares with, and takes care of, her brothers.  Loves to snuggle.  Is a great learner.  Has a beautiful, shy smile.  Loves to laugh and sing and dance.  She is a wonderful joy.  I look at the SPD that she deals with as not her because it isn't her.  I get to experience the normal Kate and I get to experience Kate dealing with SPD (which she describes as a bully).  She hates her "buggyness" (that's what she calls it).  She's embarrassed by it.  So again, I never want to embarrass her.  I'd like to share some of our journey with it though.

--end, for now, of my emotional disclaimer --

The past four weeks have been difficult for her (and as a result, difficult for the rest of us).  She has had meltdowns every single day. Today is the first day that I can recall with no meltdown thus far (Praise the Lord!!)  We used to know (for the most part) some of her triggers.  Extreme tiredness.  Hunger.  Over scheduling.  So we did many things to be proactive to prevent them.  But something changed.  We haven't figured out what, but something did.  Now she will meltdown over anything, even if she's eaten and slept well.  

Not only has the frequency increased but so has the intensity.  It used to be that we could send her to her room until she calmed down, then she could come back out.  And she would do it!  She'd go to her room, do her thing (whatever it was) and come back out much better.

Now she refuses to go to her room (so I resort to putting her there, unsuccessfully, myself).  Often times there is kicking and hitting and scratching and screaming.  And sometimes throwing of whatever is near her.  I am usually, but not always, the target.  Man it's hard to watch.  It's gotten to the point where it's difficult to leave our house and it's difficult to vacation or camp.  Not good.

When she's done (could be an hour that this goes on) she weeps pitifully and says she's sorry.  Breaks my heart.  I believe she truly is sorry.  She asks for forgiveness.  She wants snuggles and to be loved and comforted.

During her meltdowns, Jack and Kale assume their defensive positions.  Usually sitting quietly on a couch watching wide eyed or they go to their room to play with their door shut.  They have learned that if they get involved she can turn on them.  Again, when she's done she's very apologetic with them as well.

Yesterday the poo hit the fan (yup, I totally censored by own blog).  I think I'd just come to the end of my rope.  I'm not sure why but I did.  I called Mark crying and he came home early.  I called the pediatrician for help and was disappointed with their answers.  They referred me to more therapists.  I appreciate that but what I wanted help for was how to deal right in the middle of the poo!  How do I protect her?  Me?  The boys?  No one had any great answers.  I felt helpless.  Not hopeless, but very much helpless.

I've come to a place where this just isn't going to fly anymore.  I've been praying for answers.  For wisdom specifically.  I have always said we'll just go down every road until we find answers.  No matter what.  My little girl's peace is dependent on it!

A dear friend told me about a woman who does accutherapy.  She works in a small town an hour outside Colorado Springs.  We saw her on Monday on our way back from the wedding and she gave me hope.  She worked on Kate's ability to cross over from her right to left brain.  I saw progress in just one 2 hour session.  This woman works on creating new pathways in the brain (could even help Kate with her lazy eye!).  She has worked with stroke victims, folks who are depressed and/or suicidal, autistic kids, kids who have major anger issues, sensory kids...and has seen miraculous stuff happen.  Needless to say, we all had more hope (including Kate).

We also were given a CD to listen to by Dianne Craft called The Biology of Behavior.  She has done a lot of research and has helped a lot of kids through nutrition.  Mark and I listened to it on the way home from our time with the accutherapist and again had hope.  I had been scared and reluctant to do a major diet change out of fear.  We already have battles with our kids over food.  I couldn't imagine changing everything!  But she presented a plan in a doable way.  She talks about changing the chemistry of your gut.  It's a 3 month program but you only add or subtract something once a week.  So it's not nearly as overwhelming as I had imagined.  We started the program yesterday {I spent over an hour on Tuesday night, the day after we got back, at the health food store finding the vitamins and supplements we needed}.  She said to expect some changes within the first week.  

Another dear friend who has a daughter that battles the same things as Kate has been on this program and has seen remarkable changes in her daughter.  In fact when her daughter has refined sugar their whole world changes again!  So we will modify what we eat and when we eat it.  Cut out most, if not all, refined sugar.  But I've been pouring over Pinterest (sorry if you follow me and have been annoyed at all my pins!) for healthy, fun, yummy recipes to try and get my kids motivated to eat better.  Some have worked and some haven't.  I've also cut gluten, although not all. Breakfast and lunch do not include gluten and only in small amounts at dinner.  We will see if that becomes necessary to cut out all of it.  I did not cut dairy but that's an option if this other stuff doesn't seem to make big differences. 

Mark and I are joining them.  We both could use an overhaul of our own diets.  I'm excited to experience a difference. (and maybe lose a few pounds?)  But that's not the overall point.  Health is what I desire.  Energy.  Mental focus.  This can help with all of that.  Now we just have to teach the kids how to swallow pills! :) 

Today was a good day.  I'm happy with that.  Learning over and over God's grace for the moment.  I will try and keep you posted on the progress over the next 3 months.  I'm praying for healing for Kate as well as the rest of us (we all have issues don'tyaknow!).