Cafe Palmer

I was inspired by my friend Lori's blog a couple weeks ago when she gave ideas for what to with leftovers. One idea was a cafe complete with menus and candlelight. So I gave it a try last week.

Welcome to Cafe Palmer. Here you can have a tortilla pizza, a burrito or stroganoff {circle one}, carrots or mixed veggies {circle one}, and candy or a cake ball {I have some frozen ones in the freezer - I did not make them special for this event}.

The kids all placed their "orders" {Jack just colored his menu and ate what the others did}, I lit candles, heated up their food and we enjoyed our first meal at Cafe Palmer.

And while it was still plain ole leftovers they actually had fun and begged me the next night for Cafe Palmer again.

I'm sure we can visit there again very soon....

Living with SPD (Part 4) P.S.

I know I said yesterday that I was done (thank you for all your sweet comments by the way -- it was very encouraging) but after rereading it I felt like I wanted to add just a couple things. Like what I've learned from all this.

This journey has definitely had it's difficult moments, things and emotions that I have never experienced before. It took me some time to come to a place to be able to blog about it (I can talk with people but I wasn't sure about how to blog about it). Many emotions that I had to deal with personally. I also prayed that my story would not shine a negative light on my daughter but instead educate, encourage and maybe even give hope to other parents no matter what their children are going through (not necessarily SPD). It's been a humbling, learning, growing process for all of us. And while I had moments of not liking my daughter I never had moments of not loving her. In fact God gave me even more compassion for her and her emotions as well as insight to His love for me

It was when she was melting and out of control that would make me want to tear my hair out, and at the same time I'd be hit with this feeling of overwhelming love for her. I'd feel so awful for her inability to feel and control herself. I felt like she didn't like the way she was behaving but she didn't know what to do about it (much like I was feeling). I saw her as a child crying out for help because she was lost, scared, afraid and unsure.

Much like I am with God. I can see Him watching the choices that I make and not liking them but Him always loving me and having compassion for me knowing that I'm lost, scared, afraid and unsure and how He desperately wants to help me if I'll let Him. A God moment(s) for me for sure.

I also learned that it's okay to get help. Many times we just don't understand that this behavior/symptom etc...isn't normal because it's just always been that way so we figure every kid must deal with this. Honestly I probably wouldn't have sought help if my folks hadn't suggested that something else may be going on. It gave me a new-found hope that maybe this wasn't supposed to be how my life was always going to be. I dealt with the thoughts that I should know my child. I should be able to take care of this, I just need to fix myself and be a better parent (can you say pride?). I finally realized that this wasn't something I could fix. And I needed to be humble and listen to others who knew better. Yes I know my child, but, I can't possibly know everything. And I didn't want my parenting pride to keep my daughter from having a happy childhood.

It wasn't always easy. So much of what she was doing just felt like she was misbehaving or I was doing terrible parenting. I was worried that the Drs would think I was a crazy parent who was trying to find some reason for her issues - anything other than my parenting! I knew there was a very real possibility that I could be doing things wrong and let me tell you that I am not first in line when it comes to getting criticism! But I realized that I was willing to do anything - including being humbled - to help my daughter. A huge revelation to me.

God was willing to do anything (and he did everything) to help His daughter - me.

I learned that there's always someone else who deals with similar things. You are not alone. You just need to be willing to talk about it and open up. It helps others open up as well.

I learned that there is a season for everything and God will use every circumstance in our lives to teach us how to love each other more, love Him more, and love ourselves. He doesn't "do" stuff to us but He will use our stuff to bring Him glory (if we let Him). And this year has been a year of difficult circumstances that I have had opportunity to learn and grow from and hopefully bring Him glory. And because of what I have learned, I am thankful. I know that my relationship with God is much different than what it was a year ago. Better. Not perfect but better.

On another note, we have started to see, as a family, a Christian chiropractor in town. Another road we will walk down to see where it takes us. There is hope that with his help, Kate may see even more improvement in her SPD as well as improvement in her eyesight. It may even enable her to go off her allergy meds which would also be a blessing. I will keep you posted on her progress. This is a 9 month long commitment! So here we go on another adventure :)

I hope that someday my daughter will read this blog/journal and see the tunnel that we walked through and see how God did miracles in both of our lives. And again, thank you for your encouragement. It really is a blessing to me!

Living with SPD (Part 3)

Hopefully I can wrap this up on this post.

We called the occupational therapist (OT) and met her in early August. Her name was Sherri and she was amazing. She totally has a heart for kids with SPD and she was very knowledgeable. She wanted to see Kate 3 times a week for 2 months to assess her, build a relationship, treat her, encourage her, teach her and teach us. So we did just that.

The first few weeks were interesting. Kate did really well and adored Ms Sherri. She spent time getting to know Mark and I and how we parent and building her baseline with Kate (seeing how much stimulation she could handle). Kate responded really well. In fact we noticed a change quite soon.

Sherri gave us exercises to do with her. She let us know why she'll react certain ways sometimes and not others (one of the biggest challenges with SPD is that you never know what exactly will trigger a meltdown -- one day it's one thing but it'll be completely different the next). She showed us, and Kate, techniques for coping with sensory overload. It was incredibly helpful and that's an understatement. We spent 2 solid months, 3 days a week, visiting Ms Sherri. It was challenging to entertain Jack and Kale in the waiting room for 45 minutes each visit so whenever I could pawn them off on someone, I did :) But we made it through and I'm so thankful we did.

As for when and where she has a meltdown, the psychologist told us that it's kinda like us wearing an itchy sweater. If we leave for the day wearing a sweater that we eventually find out is incredibly itchy, we'll tolerate it (meaning we won't be scratching our pits and bellies like dogs) until we can come home and change into something else. Same with Kate. When she's out around people she's either distracted or has a much higher tolerance for the over-stimulation then when she's home.

SPD is different with every kid which is also why it can be hard to diagnose and treat. There are kids whose tolerance level is zero no matter where they are or who they're around. There are kids who can handle itchy stuff but jumping on a trampoline makes them bonkers. Just as every child is unique, so is their SPD.

Sherri let us go in October. Actually when Mark and I got back from our trip to San Diego I got a phone call from the physical therapist's office telling me that Sherri no longer worked there. Honestly I cried. I felt a little foolish but then again, this woman helped change our lives! She helped me actually like my daughter again! We couldn't just never see her again!

So I stalked her. Well I didn't totally stalk her but I had emailed her once before during Kate's treatment so I had her email address so I wrote her. I told her that if she had moved to a new practice we'd follow her. We were so grateful for her work with Kate.

She responded that she was looking for another PT office to work from but she thought Kate was doing really well so she didn't think it was necessary to continue treatment (we were going to evaluate anyway when we got back from SD). I told her that I dreaded telling Kate. That Kate had loved, loved, loved going to play with her and had already been asking about her. Sherri then asked if we could meet and she'd tell Kate. I thought that was a fabulous idea.

So we baked her some cookies, drew her a picture, and met her down at the train station one night to say goodbye (or see you later). It was wonderful and it made me love Sherri all the more. She gave me her cell number and said that if Kate was struggling in the future to call her and she'd be happy to help us again. So thankful for that!

SPD isn't curable but it is treatable. Sherri told us that Kate may never show any symptoms ever again OR she may, in the future, if something in her life overwhelms her. She thinks Kate started displaying bigger symptoms because our year was so very stressful. With losing our baby and my aunt and then losing our dog...well Mark and I have faced numerous situations. And of course that affects your children. If/when it happens, Mark and I will be much better prepared now that we've walked, and continue to walk, this road. We've blown it many times with her. At this point we know that if she's tired, been going and doing too much for too long, or is really hungry, she is more likely to melt down. Routine, alone time and calming exercises seem to help keep her a balanced-almost-5-yr-old. It's when we over-schedule her or not schedule naps/quiet times that we have much more of a problem.

I hope that my 3 day saga gave you a little insight into our world and our daughter. There are, of course, so many stories I could've included but I figured 3 days of reading was plenty :) Thank you for sticking it out with me!

I'm thankful to have been on this journey. I'm thankful that God has shown me one "key" to my precious daughter. But more than anything, I'm so thankful to have my sweet baby girl back and we can go on our mommy/daughter dates without meltdowns!

Living with SPD (Part 2)

The final straw was a planned outing I had with Kate. I figured we needed a mommy/daughter date. Some sweet time alone so we could focus on each other. Have fun together instead of power struggling and being distracted by the boys. So we planned a date to go get a haircut (the beauty salon as we call it) then go get ice cream or something. The goal was to just be together.

We made it to the garage. Seriously. We got in the car and something was wrong with the car seat and the seat-belt and it led to a full on meltdown. I tried for 20 minutes to calm her down, fix her seat and make this work. I couldn't do it. I left her in the garage and came back inside.

Mark asked me what I forgot, assuming that I had driven off and turned around. I was crying by then and told him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't take her to town and risk her losing it while getting a hair cut. I couldn't be around her. At all.

Mark went out to the car and spent another 20 minutes trying to calm her down. He wasn't successful either. So we carried her inside and put her in her room {kicking and screaming} in hopes that she'd wear herself out eventually. I decided to go run an errand and have some alone time.

As I was driving and crying I started praying. I really felt so helpless and lost. I loved my daughter. I desperately wanted to like her too. I kept saying to God that there had to be a "key" that I was missing. What is the "key" to my daughter? What do I not see that I needed to? What questions have I not asked that I need to? Answers did not come right away but by just praying I was already feeling better. I was feeling unexplainable peace.

I did my errands and came home (almost an hour later) and Kate was still in her room. Still crying. I think this was one of the worst melt-downs I had seen. They are usually bad but not like this.

I can't remember the exact time-line for this next part but I know it wasn't too long after this melt-down, several conversations with my parents and even Kate freaking out about her car-seat with my parents in the car, that my mom called and told me about Sensory Integration Disorder (what I later discovered is now named Sensory Processing Disorder). She'd found some info online and wondered if this is what Kate was dealing with.

Truthfully, I was at a point where I was ready to go down any road to the very end just to see what might be the problem - even if it was me and my parenting - I was ready for change. I was relieved that my parents had observed Kate's meltdowns and didn't think it was me. I can't tell you how I felt after hearing that. To have a glimpse of hope that you alone are not screwing up your child is amazing.

My mom also mentioned finding out about any potential side-effects to singulair (which Kate had been taking for allergies this whole time). So I started researching and asking questions and making appointments with different Drs.

I started with our allergist to see if her medication could be affecting her. When I told him what we were dealing with he suggested SPD and recommended a psychologist to meet. I called the psychologist and our pediatrician and had meetings with both of them. After hearing our story they both, independently, said SPD. So I'm guessing, at this point, that the "key" might be learning more about SPD :)

A definition I found:
Sensory Processing Disorder or SPD is a neurological disorder causing difficulties with taking in, processing and responding to sensory information about the environment and from within the own body (visual, auditory, tactile, olfaction, gustatory, vestibular and proprioception). For those with SPD, sensory information may be sensed and perceived in a way that is different from most other people. Unlike blindness or deafness, sensory information can be received by people with SPD, the difference is that information is often registered, interpreted and processed differently by the brain. The result can be unusual ways of responding or behaving, finding things harder to do. Difficulties may typically present as difficulties planning and organizing, problems with doing the activities of everyday life (self care, work and leisure activities including work and play), and for some with extreme sensitivity to sensory input; sensory input may result in extreme avoidance of activities, agitation, distress, fear or confusion. There no known cure, however, many treatments are available.

Our pediatrician gave me the name of an occupational therapist to call (one that she herself had used) and that began the adventure down this particular road. Stopping here to give my hands a rest. I'll pick this up again tomorrow. Hang in there! Thanks for sticking this out!

Living with SPD (Part 1)

I realize that I haven't yet filled you in on anything going on with my daughter. I don't know how many of you are really interested in all of this but I'd like to take a bit to give you some information if you don't mind reading along.

It's hard to know just where to begin this since I think Kate's dealt with it her whole short life. When she was a baby she hated being swaddled (Kale was wrapped tight in a blanket till he was 6 months old!) and has always been a bit particular about what she wears. But I attributed all of that to her just being Kate and there was nothing wrong with that. I just needed to figure out what worked for her and what didn't. A challenging process for sure.

About a year ago we took Kate to an allergist [after she'd been sick so often and her mood was ever-changing] who diagnosed her with several different allergies and gave her some medicine to help. And they did help. She slept better and felt better (rarely got sick that winter) and behaved better. We thought we had things figured out. Ha!

Starting that next spring (last April/May) we noticed more and more behavioral issues. She would get angry over clothes and the way they felt. We had many fights over what to wear to church(or anywhere else we were pressed for time to get dressed for). We had long given up dressing her the way we wanted to dress her. We {both Mark and I} had visions of a darling little girl with pigtails and dresses. She had other ideas. And once I gave up my visions, I saw that we did have a darling little girl with her own unique style and I began to really love seeing what she was going to wear that day. Many days she doesn't match. At all. She'll also wear shorts in winter and pants in the summer. She'll layer clothes that you would never have thought to layer (like tights under cut-off jean shorts). That girl's got a personality all her own. I thought that letting go of my expectations and freeing her to be her would solve our problems.

Nope. Not that it didn't help - it did. BUT it didn't solve everything.

Then she started getting upset about her car seat being crooked and no matter how hard we tried to fix it it was never right. She'd get upset about how we brushed or fixed her hair. It was too tight or too loose or too crooked. Music was too loud. The sun too bright. We couldn't snuggle her just right. Her glasses were too tight. In fact everything was too something and you could bet that it wasn't too good.

We had arguments about her screaming and her behavior. It wasn't that I was upset that she didn't like something, I was upset because everytime she didn't like something it'd turn into a full-on meltdown temper tantrum. She'd kick and scream and hit me because her carseat was crooked or her seat belt "wasn't working". There were time-outs, spankings, lost privileges etc... I was pulling out every parenting trick I could think of. And things just weren't changing. She'd be melting for me and fine for everyone else. Church was fine. Small group was fine. Playdates were fine. Even visiting family was fine...for awhile. Eventually she started melting with family members.

I let so many things go in an effort to make things better for all of us. Fine, we don't have to fix your hair. Fine, I'll turn the music down. Fine, change your clothes. Fine, you can sit on my lap and put my hands just where you want them. But there were other things I couldn't compromise on. Car seat for obvious reasons. And her glasses. Without her glasses she is cross-eyed and she can lose her sight. I was at a loss at how to fight over those uncompromisable things. All the disciplining I was doing wasn't changing a thing and the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I was seriously going insane!

There were days that I'd cry just as much as she did. Days I'd spend in prayer (all day!) begging God to show me what to do. I battled insecurity, self-doubt, anger, frustration and guilt (guilt because I didn't like my own child and believe me that tears you to pieces!). I'd worry I was being too strict. I'd worry I was being too lenient. I'd worry that I was being unfair and harsh. I'd worry that I just plain ole sucked at parenting and my children would end up....I don't know...miserable, lost, unhappy....

I feel like I need to stop here since this is already so long. If you've made it this far I'm proud of you. I will continue this tomorrow!