My kids were no exception. I was dragging them out of bed this morning. Doing my best to cheerfully and lovingly motivate them to eat and get shoes and socks on...like now. They drug themselves around and whined about the food (or what they perceived as lack there of) and cried that it was so early. I knew how they felt but we had to get going. Kale was serving and we needed to get to church.
We got in the car and waited as one of my children threw a fit in the house. I decided I didn't need to be around to watch. It was difficult to leave and wait but they needed their space.
The fit followed them into the car and for over half of our drive to town, every single nerve of every person in the van was exposed, raw and fried. I began to pray out loud quietly to myself. This upset them more but I continued. I needed God's patience and grace poured out on me at that moment.
Eventually they stopped and it was like night and day. They flipped the switch and all was right in the world.
Except that I wasn't alright. I felt like a bomb had gone off behind me and I was still reeling from the shrapnel that flew out from it. The bomb was done but the after effects were still happening.
We got to church and I was a bit dazed and struggling to get myself together to see people. At this point one of my kids (the bomb) came up to me and asked for hot chocolate from our coffee cart. This is actually an unusual request. They've learned not to ask me for that because I almost always say no. I don't usually have money nor do I want them to be full of sugar and sent off to kid's church. But of course today they asked.
And I stared at them and thought to myself "you've got to be kidding me?! After what just happened this morning you want me to reward you with a treat?!" I'm a firm believer in not rewarding unwanted behavior (to the best of my ability).
So I asked them 'Do you think you deserve hot chocolate?'
Their lip quivered and they said 'but I said I was sorry.'
And in that moment I realized that I was basing my grace and gifts on their behavior. God spoke clearly to me and said 'That's not how I operate with you Jill. I don't base my gifts on your behavior. I give you good gifts and you don't always deserve them. I love you so much that I enjoy giving you good things just because.'
I started to cry. Right there in the middle of the sanctuary. It was true. He doesn't give me what I deserve...and I'm so thankful for that! I can never earn His love because it can't be bought. It's been freely given to me. By grace through faith.
So I looked at my child, the bomb :), and said 'The truth is you don't deserve hot chocolate. Your behavior this morning wasn't good and you hurt me and your siblings. But I want to extend to you the kind of grace God gives to me and to you. He loves to give us good gifts even when we don't deserve them. You may have hot chocolate and I want you to buy some for your siblings. I love you and so does God.'
And I just "happened" to have $5 in my pocket...
I'm not saying that this will always be the case. I still don't want to reward bad behavior but God showed me today the power of His grace for me and for them.
I then cried off and on all through first service (very humbling especially because it was borderline ugly cry) as God took the "shrapnel" out and restored me to Him. It always amazes me how He will use any situation to reveal more of Himself to me if I allow it.
And because I love testimony I wanted to share two more quick things. Today during second service one of my kids (who had had a tummy ache this morning) was prayed over by some of their amazing teachers. They said it was gone right afer they were done praying. This same kid also received their prayer language during that prayer time. I am seriously loving how, when we bring our children to the Lord's presence, God speaks clearly to them and blesses them.
Awesome day at church!
