Things are going right along here in our little family. We're busy - as usual, trying to slow down - as usual, and desperately trying to enjoy every moment - as usual. Every moment of Tball, softball, school, playing outside in the sunshine, reading books, snuggling....Trying to enjoy every moment. And I have been trying to really feel every moment. Good and bad.
I think, and I've realized this so much for myself lately, that I try and numb the feelings sometimes. I don't want to feel sad, angry, stressed, even happy at times, so I do something to numb that feeling. It can be eating, zoning out on the computer, sleeping, generally distracting myself from feeling. I guess I think that the feelings will overwhelm me and I won't be able to handle them. But I've been challenged to feel. Not to be controlled by how I feel, but to accept how I'm feeling and challenged to then deal with that feeling. I don't know if I'm making sense.
Lately I've had days of wonderful-ness spotted with moments of sadness. This miscarriage journey has been a journey of feeling for sure. I think that I'm doing well, overall. I even think that my moments of sadness are doing well. I don't think the definition of doing well is over it or done dealing with it. I think the definition is being real and honest and processing each feeling as it comes. And I've been trying hard to do that and to not stuff them down somewhere in a dark place to deal with later. I don't want to deal with this later. I want to deal with it now and move on. And so I try and deal with each sad moment.
Moments like taking a pregnancy test and having it turn negative....which is supposed to be a good thing.
Moments like going to the Dr and having the very understanding midwife share with me her experience of loss and how she buried something that was meaningful to her - something that represented the baby she lost. It made me think of planting a tree or something.
Moments like the other night when Kate came up to me before bed and out of the blue said that she was sorry the baby died.
Moments like when I look down and my body still looks a bit pregnant but I know that I'm not.
Moments like now...sharing moments.
None of these are bad. None of these are taking over my life. But there are definitely times that I don't want to feel any of this. I'd rather numb it and not deal. So I'm working on feeling and realizing that I'll be fine when I feel. Even if it's sadness. Even if it's stress (I have a bit of that in my life right now). I'm working on seeing when I zone out and trying to figure out what I'm avoiding. I don't want to be a spectator in my life. I want to live it -- to the fullest -- just like Jesus said. He came to give me life abundant. But I can easily miss it by avoiding feeling.
Emotions aren't bad. We were given emotions to truly experience life - every part of it. But I think being controlled by those emotions instead of the truth can be harmful. Truth is the only thing that does not change. Our emotions do. One moment I can be happy, the next sad, the next angry. I do not want to be controlled by my constantly changing, and sometimes very hormonal, emotions. I'd rather be led by the Spirit of Truth. I want the Truth to lead me, guide me, and help me navigate the world of my emotions and feelings -- good and bad. Of course when I said that, I was hit hard with a flood of emotions this past week. I was all over the place. Angry, sad, happy, overwhelmed, stressed. You name it, I probably felt it last week. And unfortunately so did my family. Like I said, I am working on feeling and then dealing with each emotion. :) Such a slow process.
I think, and I've realized this so much for myself lately, that I try and numb the feelings sometimes. I don't want to feel sad, angry, stressed, even happy at times, so I do something to numb that feeling. It can be eating, zoning out on the computer, sleeping, generally distracting myself from feeling. I guess I think that the feelings will overwhelm me and I won't be able to handle them. But I've been challenged to feel. Not to be controlled by how I feel, but to accept how I'm feeling and challenged to then deal with that feeling. I don't know if I'm making sense.
Lately I've had days of wonderful-ness spotted with moments of sadness. This miscarriage journey has been a journey of feeling for sure. I think that I'm doing well, overall. I even think that my moments of sadness are doing well. I don't think the definition of doing well is over it or done dealing with it. I think the definition is being real and honest and processing each feeling as it comes. And I've been trying hard to do that and to not stuff them down somewhere in a dark place to deal with later. I don't want to deal with this later. I want to deal with it now and move on. And so I try and deal with each sad moment.
Moments like taking a pregnancy test and having it turn negative....which is supposed to be a good thing.
Moments like going to the Dr and having the very understanding midwife share with me her experience of loss and how she buried something that was meaningful to her - something that represented the baby she lost. It made me think of planting a tree or something.
Moments like the other night when Kate came up to me before bed and out of the blue said that she was sorry the baby died.
Moments like when I look down and my body still looks a bit pregnant but I know that I'm not.
Moments like now...sharing moments.
None of these are bad. None of these are taking over my life. But there are definitely times that I don't want to feel any of this. I'd rather numb it and not deal. So I'm working on feeling and realizing that I'll be fine when I feel. Even if it's sadness. Even if it's stress (I have a bit of that in my life right now). I'm working on seeing when I zone out and trying to figure out what I'm avoiding. I don't want to be a spectator in my life. I want to live it -- to the fullest -- just like Jesus said. He came to give me life abundant. But I can easily miss it by avoiding feeling.
Emotions aren't bad. We were given emotions to truly experience life - every part of it. But I think being controlled by those emotions instead of the truth can be harmful. Truth is the only thing that does not change. Our emotions do. One moment I can be happy, the next sad, the next angry. I do not want to be controlled by my constantly changing, and sometimes very hormonal, emotions. I'd rather be led by the Spirit of Truth. I want the Truth to lead me, guide me, and help me navigate the world of my emotions and feelings -- good and bad. Of course when I said that, I was hit hard with a flood of emotions this past week. I was all over the place. Angry, sad, happy, overwhelmed, stressed. You name it, I probably felt it last week. And unfortunately so did my family. Like I said, I am working on feeling and then dealing with each emotion. :) Such a slow process.
Hey Jill, I understand how you feel. Its good that you're pushing through it, even when it would be easier and (here it comes) feel better not to. Please know I am praying with you as you walk through this. God Bless. Your Friend, SZQ
ReplyDeleteI love you. Every time you write, every time you talk to me, I get another glimpse of God's character. I cannot even imagine how hard this has been, actually, I don't even want to imagine. Thank you for being honest, through the good and the bad. You have taught me a lot about letting myself feel. Love you lady!
ReplyDeleteI am over a thousand miles away from you, but I hear your heart. Thanks for your honesty. Your light. Your truth. Thank you for being truthful about this hard thing you are walking through. Thank you for not stuffing it. Thank you for being real. It looks more like Jesus to me than anything I could ever imagine. Lv, Jen
ReplyDeleteJill, are such a great example of God's peace and love.
ReplyDeleteI remember having a conversation with you a long time ago about tragedy. We were discussing how we would walk through something hard if we ever had to and how we hoped that our relationship with Jesus would be evident through it.
In reading your posts as you are dealing with this hard time, I just want you to know that your relationship with Him is very evident. I know that how you are walking this out will positively affect those around you. It already has.
I love and miss you lots. Love, Sommer:)
I love you and I am praying with you! Thank you so much for being so open about what you are dealing with! :) I love you bunches!
ReplyDeleteJill, I am sorry about your loss. I have had four miscarriages and what I have found is that everyone deals with them differently and processes them differently. Feeling numb is part of the process and it is ok when you don't feel anything. It takes awhile for your body to get back to normal and for the emotions to regulate again but they do. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDelete